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Directions
to NYSMF in Oneonta, NY
Via PSI-Based Teleportation
If
you have the psi power of teleportation, or even if you have
simply invented, stolen, or found a working teleportation device
left over from some ancient, technologically advanced civilization,
here are instructions on how to arrive at NYSMF in Oneonta
without exploding on rematerialization.
For
an excellent, thorough, and utterly incomprehensible primer on
the current scientific state of teleportation, please visit IBM
Research. |
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TELEPORTATION?
Teleportation
is the physical movement of an object from one point in space to
another, without going though/occupying any of the intervening space.
While classic teleportation simply involves the focusing of one's
mental powers, that does not preclude more interesting methods of
triggering one's latent psychic abilities.
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POTENTIAL
METHODOLOGY
Here
are some possible methods:
- Squeezing
one's eyes shut, making sure to make a face as if you are
terribly constipated (see Masi Oka on the NBC show "Heroes"
for an example)
- Reciting
a magical word or phrase, or singing a magical sequence of
notes
- Performing
a gesture or series of gestures that intiate the warping
of space/time. Note that flashing the middle finger have
been proven not to work. For anything.
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FUNDAMENTAL
REQUIREMENTS
In general,
psi-based teleportation requires the following:
- Envision
your destination firmly in your mind's eye. (See "Harry Potter
and the Half Blood Prince" or "The Dragonriders of Pern" for more
detailed
instructions. Mind the splinching and the bitter cold of between.)
- Enough
latent energy, or chi, to perform the manouever. ("Dragonball"
is an excellent reference for the creative use of chi, or ki, or
genki. "Kimagure Orange Road" also shows how quickly your chi,
which they call "Powah", can run out if you've not had a good meal
lately.)
- A change
of clothing waiting for you where you arrive. (May only apply if
you integrate time travel into your teleportation. See the original
"Terminator" film.)
TELEPORTING
TO ONEONTA, NY
IMPORTANT!
NYSMF does not start until June 29, 2008. Please do not teleport
yourself to
Oneonta until then, unless you plan on making a nest in the local
Wal-Mart and living off of pizza crusts.
Time Zone: Eastern
Latitude: 42.46°
Longitude-75.05°
Q
Questions? Please
email Keisuke Hoashi, the NYSMF Director of Communications,
if you are as insane as he is for writing this page.
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